Artist MD - Dr. Val Tramonte - GMHC Plenary Host

Grace

Never thought I’d be here having this conversation.
Totally unqualified if you assessed my previous station in life.
I thought I knew everything, I thought I was bright.
Turns out I was a fool who mistook blindness for sight, wrong for right.
So many years I walked, not knowin’ the way.
So many times I talked, not knowin’ what to say.
But those days have passed away cause Grace came and chose to stay.
How would I describe grace?
It’s like tryin’ to explain salty to someone without taste.
Rain on my face to someone in a desert.
Or true love to a heart that’s only ever been hurt.
It’s a challenge.
God’s so good to me, it’s honestly hard to believe.
Even when I’m against Him, He’s still for me.
I can’t... I can’t shake His favor, no matter what I do.
Even if I’m a liar, He remains true.
Speaks to me out of the blue, even when I’m not praying.
Calls me up to talk even when I’m not saying anything to Him.
Wants to be my friend, and when we do connect where does He begin?
Not with my mess or what I’ve done wrong.
He calls me by my name and tells me that I’m strong.
Even if I’ve just been weak.
Never feel any shame from Him when He speaks.
Does He deal with my sin? Yeah, but the forecast is never bleak.
Even if I’m fresh from sin’s grip,
He reminds me who He is and tells me not to trip.
He’s got this.
He’s got things under control and He’s got me.
The cross is so much greater than my faults; Jesus bigger than my disease.
And He’ll never leave.
Sure I could run, but where would I hide?
His Presence pursues me like I was a runaway bride.
Calling out to me on the inside,
"Yo man, have you lost your mind?"
"Do you not remember the covenant that binds us together?"
"No matter the weather, hard times, or better."
"You see I made promises to you and I’m faithful to the last letter."
“I love you and I like you.” That’s His refrain!
Those words... those words break-in and mingle with my pain and I am changed. Tears like rain pouring down 'cause the cloud that surrounds me is love.
So pure and so true.
Completely accepted, not a thing I can do, but receive it.
I wish I could pay Him back somehow, but He won’t let me.
He didn’t save me to stay in chains, He loved me to set me free; to make me complete. Give and take is the love of this world, but grace?
Grace is a one-way street.
Grace is a one-way street.

Jekyll and Hyde

Stick and stones can break my bones, but words... words will always hurt more.
Bones can but reset and bruises resolve,
but wounds of the heart last longer than them all. Its no small endeavor to find deep healing.
Show me the doctor who knows how to reset a feeling.

Counselors?
Well, they can get you to understand,
but to set things right I needed a divine hand;
more than just a man.
I’m intricate like arithmetic but calculus? Calculus couldn’t get close to this. I push the limits of quantum physics; God alone can handle my business. Math in its entirety? Entirely insufficient.
The solution to my problems requires omniscience.
Not to mention omnipotence.
Power to resurrect a spirit that’s impotent,
insolent, and irreverent, but heaven bent.
Wanted to be a reverend, heaven sent.
But sometimes I wear the devil’s scent.

Unstable.
Cain and Able.
Jekyll and Hyde.
My own worst enemy, nowhere to hide.
My old self? Yeah, he died,
but he still comes around beggin' and I feed him sometimes. Feed him some lines.
Stroke his ego, tell him some lies.
“You’re a champion, the greatest of all time.
I couldn’t live without you, I’m so glad you’re mine.”

What I often forget though about my alter ego
is that he doesn’t want to submit so 'round and 'round we go. Fighting over whether I’ll really lay my life down. Surrender fully and let go of my crown.
My hands open,
I watch it fall to the ground.
I follow it down.
On my knees now. With my head bowed.
Asking please how, can you help me now?
To see a solution; some resolution.

With one person, two sides,
struggle to describe what its like on the inside Borderline? Dissociative?
All I know is the Hulk comes out in trauma so I can live.

I can’t control when he comes out. Man, I don’t even like him. Unfortunately, I wasn’t given naturally thick skin. Learned to look to him... as a savior,
when rejection was cutting sharper than a razor, burning hotter than a laser.
I poured out my heart to her,
but my pain didn’t phase her.

So I vowed then to never hurt again,
and as I look back that’s when this break begins.
Some division; a partition of myself.
Truly me, but at the same time someone else.
He saved me from immense pain when I didn’t have another savior. Unfortunately, I still look to him now instead of Jesus when things aren’t in my favor. He’s so hurt and angry I don’t want to let him out.
He’s strong for sure but uncontrolled, without a doubt.
All he knows to do is smash, and self-protect.
Which is good for fighting enemies but not for the rest of life
or relationships.
Because people when crushed no longer want to stay acquaintances
and what that equates to in plain sentences is:
I’m alone.
Which is all I felt the 22 years I roamed until God graciously gave me a home.

He has slowly and gently reintegrated that beast,
but I’m still a work in progress to say the least.
Just yesterday I was praying for this all to cease,
and He reminded me that a mind fixed on Him will remain at peace.

I do realize that all of the monster in me isn’t bad.
He’s powerful and fearless and really I’m glad that he’s a part of me. Got me through some tough years of my destiny.
So, I welcomed him back and together we agree
to let God do the fighting from now on,
so we can be free.

God’s a much better protector than we ever could be. Hyde, Hulk, Monster? Nah, I’m just me.